My mother use to tell me about a neighbor who got married about the same time that my parents got married, and like my parents, the husband immediately went off to serve in WWII. Mom would tell me how the neighbor saved all her wedding presents, not using any of them, because she was “saving them” until her husband came back from the war. The neighbor’s home caught fire and burned down with all the unused wedding presents inside. The lesson my mother was trying to teach me was to not hold onto things for “a special time”, but to use and enjoy them right away. Unfortunately, while her words said one thing and I remember her eloquence at telling me the story, I learned more from the example she set for me.
When my sisters and I were dividing up some of my mother’s things when she went into a facility, we came across some beautiful lace tablecloths that my father had gotten for her when they were living in Occupied Japan after the war. The Base Officer’s Club manager was flying “over the hump” to bring things in from China for prizes for the bingo games at the Club and my father had arranged for him to purchase these lovely lace tablecloths for my mother. My mother told her daughters as we oohed and aahed over the tablecloths, that we should use them for special occasions, like graduations and weddings. My sisters and I looked at each other and whispered, “But Mom, you never used these at any of OUR weddings or graduations.” The tablecloths had some stains on them, so they were obviously used at some time, but it was most likely before she had 4 rambunctious little girls to corral.
I find as I look at my home, that I’ve done the same thing. I have “stuff” that I’ve saved for a special occasion that are now dated and in appropriate for the way I live my life, but I’ve got them wrapped up tightly to prevent tarnish and stashed away where they won’t get damaged or broken.
I’ve purchased clothes for that “event that was going to come up” - after all the dress fit me beautifully and looked great on me, and even if I didn’t have anything coming up in the foreseeable future where it would be appropriate to wear it, something WOULD come up, I just knew it and it was such a fabulous dress. Some still have tags on them hanging in my closet, even if they no longer fit or my lifestyle has changed to the point where by the time I ever (if I ever) have anywhere to wear the dress, it wouldn’t be in style or fit any longer.
Then there are the things that I’ve used, worn and loved, but just can’t bring myself to get rid of because of the memories associated with the item, even when my husband complains about “stuff” taking over our home and I know that I will never use the item again, or I have half a dozen similar items I could use instead.
Yet, I regularly talk to my older clients who are downsizing and try to help them put into perspective what they should (and can reasonable) keep versus what they need to get rid of before moving from their large family home into that 1-2 bedroom apartment at The Fountains. I often go through their home before they start disposing of items taking pictures and putting together a small photo album of their “stuff” for them (I’ve found that while many never open the photo album after receiving it, the fact that they have a picture of something mentally helps them recognize that they won’t lose the memory associated with the item once they hand it on to someone else to enjoy).
I had a lovely client, Betty, who, when she moved to Friendship Village, got rid of all her old furniture and had an interior designer help her chose new items that better fit the space inside her new apartment. She said her old stuff was never high quality and she was tired of it and she was ready to have nice stuff where she wasn’t “making do” any longer. When she packed up her kitchen items, she got rid of her everyday dishes, flatware and glasses and kept her “good stuff”. She told me that she had been saving the "good dishes” for special times for over 50 years, digging it out for holidays and special occasions. Protecting it from getting broken. It was all in great shape, unlike her everyday dishes. She said she had decided that she was going to use her good dishes everyday from that point forward and if something got broken, then so be it. After years of putting everyone else in her life ahead of herself, Betty made the decision to put herself first, when she moved and “started the next phase of her life”.
Some of us save items for a “special occasion" because we want that item to help “showcase” the occasion, to show off that we’ve reached a point in our lives where we have obtained the resources to have the item, to make things “more special” or “lovelier”. Sometimes we don’t use an item, because we don’t want people to feel that we are being “ostentatious” and “showing off”.
In other cases, we save items, never using them, because deep down we don’t feel like we are “worthy” enough to use them. Even owning them can make us feel guilty, because we don’t feel like we should be “worthy enough” to have them.
What Betty taught me, by her example, was that it’s OK to put yourself first. Her example truly illustrated that after years of putting everyone else first in her life, she had finally reached a point where, now that she was coming toward the end of her life, she had recognized that SHE was worthy of using the “special” items that she had saved and protected for so long to make occasions “special” for someone else. Her example taught me that maybe I shouldn’t just “hold onto” things, but that I should enjoy them and relish the pleasure that using them gives me. And if something doesn’t give me pleasure when I use it, maybe I should just get rid of it. I still struggle with getting rid of many things, but Betty’s example helps me put things in perspective.
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