Finally, Wise Enough to say "Enough"

When I was a little girl, my sisters and I went to school with pencils that said: The Stephenson’s An Air Force Family Serving God and Country We were raised knowing that we were to serve and to take care of others. In our minds, that translated to taking care of others first, and ourselves last, which often meant taking care of others first, our families second and ourselves last. To add to this, we were the generation that went through the feminist movements of the 60’s and 70’s - we KNEW we were strong women who could do anything we set our minds to. We were “Super Women”, who could take on any challenge. And then, of course, we were perfectionists. Everything had to be done correctly, and we would word and reword and reword a simple business paper 50 times, until we thought it was perfect before sending it on (and this was in the era when we didn’t have computers, we were typing everything and having to backspace to correct mistakes (I could type faster backwards then forwards back then)). Lida’s degree was in library sciences – running elementary school libraries while her 3 children were small, while being very involved in her church and community to the point that she went to Russia with a Presbyterian delegation on a peace mission in the 70’s. My mother use to say that Lida was burning her candle at both ends and was going to burn out if she didn’t slow down. Lida was always the most social and popular one of us. Pat – Pat was always an overachiever. She worked her way through college in 3 years, started as a Math teacher in Wentzville, moved onto the world of corporate finance and at one point worked in New York and was responsible for the finances of all the Sheraton Hotels worldwide. If Pat told you, you needed to be somewhere on a certain day and time, when she informed you, she would also tell you which plane flight would be the best (and back when times were different, she would have already made your reservation for you), with no regard for your personal schedule and desires, because she had figured out the optimum flight, period. She not only dotted the I's and crossed the T’s, she was the supreme perfectionist. I was the “good little girl”, the “homemaker”. My degree was in Food Systems Management Dietetics (slightly “more” than just a degree in Home Ec). Since I could not compete with my sisters’ and “win”, I followed a path that neither of them had taken, joining ROTC at Mizzou when it first opened up for women. (I was the first and only woman in ROTC at Mizzou for awhile). When I went into the Air Force, however, they put me in admin rather than in dietetics or food service. It took volunteering for a remote in Korea as a Food Service Officer that put me on the path I thought I wanted to be on. I was not only a perfectionist, I was bound and determined that MY unit would excel and I succeeded with have the Hennessey Trophy awarded to one of my units. In the process, I was always consumed by work to the point that my children’s birthday parties were always late. One day I opened the refrigerator door, shut it and relooked at the birthday party announcement on the door. My children had a birthday party to go to that afternoon and I had forgotten about it. I knew my boss’s schedule, my schedule, and other pertinent base schedules, but I didn’t remember my children’s. My younger sister, Nissa, was always the rebel, and as a result, she never quite fit in with the people around her. A preemie, she could read soup cans (without pictures on them), before she went to school. As a result, she was bored in school and didn’t pay attention. No one discovered until she was in about 5th or 6th grade that she was also dyslexic. She ended up joining the Air Force as an enlisted troop (I was an officer) and rising to the rank of Senior Master Sergeant (the second highest enlisted rank). Now she works in a Civil Service job for the Air Force and rescues feral cats. Nissa never worried about being a perfectionist, she just “did”. But I can so clearly remember once when she told me that she needed a warmer coat, I sent her one and she promptly gave it away to someone she felt needed it more. That was always how Nissa was. The older 3 of us have learned the hard way that being a perfectionist wasn’t worth it. No one lauds you because you stayed at work for 18 hours in order to get the job done. No one gives you a medal for missing your children’s activities in order to “serve the higher good”. The unit may win the Top Award for something because of what YOU did, but by then, you have been transferred on and don’t even get the satisfaction of receiving it or being able to put it on your resume. You are Burned Out, Tired, Irritable and Just Plain discouraged. But you succeeded in being Super Woman, if only in your own mind. Your family doesn’t know what you look like, but that’s ok, You were serving the higher good. Your health is dismal because you haven’t taken care of yourself, but that’s OK, you accomplished things, even if no one will remember you were the one who did it, 6 months later. And eventually you realize that it’s not enough and you are a failure, because you are so Burned Out, Tired, Irritable, and Just Plain Discouraged that you aren’t doing anything right. That’s the point when you stop and realize that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone or anything else. It’s taken a very long time, but my sisters’ and I finally learned that “It’s OK” to say “NO” when someone asks you to take on another volunteer job, or additional responsibilities. “It’s OK” to say “NO” when someone wants something done immediately – esp when the person who wants it done is headed home to their family and dinner and won’t look at it until morning anyway! “It’s OK” to take some time for yourself – and for your family. “It’s OK” to stop and smell the roses along the way. To have another cup of tea while chatting with a friend. To take time to look at the world around you and instead of seeing the guy who cut you off as you were trying to get to work on time, seeing the blue sky and feeling the warmth of the sun and listening to the birds and feeling grateful that you can see the sky and feel the sun and hear the birds. “It’s OK” to take care of yourself – to eat a healthy diet (and to have that occasional piece of chocolate or concrete at Ted Drews), to get enough sleep, to take time for yourself to meditate and to tell God that the world around you is wonderful. “It’s OK” to let people see that you are vulnerable and that you need help. “It’s still OK” to be that person who is there for others. To be that person who others can count on in a crisis, but “It’s NOT OK” to put work and being a perfectionist and dotting all the “I’s” and crossing all the “T’s” first, before GOD, yourself and your family. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. We are no longer failures, we are women who are wise enough to say “ENOUGH”, and to take time for what is really important and it’s not dotting “I’s” and crossing “T’s” and taking care of the everything but what we should be taking care of.